When a friend is in the hospital with Richie Reeder

In this conversation, Richie Reeder shares the inspiring story behind Pressing On, an organization dedicated to supporting families in crisis, particularly those with hospitalized children. He discusses the importance of self-care, emotional health, and community support during difficult times. Richie emphasizes the need for vulnerability and the power of celebrating small victories as a way to cope with trauma. He provides practical advice for friends and family on how to support those in crisis and highlights the significance of being present and self-aware. The conversation concludes with actionable steps for individuals looking to help others while also taking care of their own well-being.

Takeaways

Pressing On was founded out of personal experience with a hospitalized child.
Healing is a continuous process, not a destination.
Self-care is essential for caregivers to support their loved ones.
Community support can make a significant difference during crises.
Celebrating small victories helps combat anxiety and fosters gratitude.
Vulnerability is crucial for authentic relationships and healing.
It's important to be self-aware of your emotional bandwidth before helping others.
Practical support can be more effective than vague offers of help.
Finding purpose in pain can lead to personal growth and resilience.
Taking small, actionable steps can lead to meaningful support for those in need.

Chapters

00:00 The Birth of Pressing On
04:08 Navigating the Healing Process
06:46 The Importance of Self-Care
09:33 Offloading Trauma
12:20 Practical Support for Families in Crisis
18:08 Self-Awareness in Crisis Situations
22:52 Characteristics of Resilient Individuals
24:32 Holistic Care for Caregivers
28:25 Building Resilience Through Small Steps
31:03 The Power of Celebrating Small Victories
40:08 The Importance of Vulnerability and Authenticity
44:49 Taking Action: First Steps to Help Others
49:57 Conclusion and Reflections

Transcript

Andy Buckwalter (00:05)
Alright, let's do this. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to another episode of The Joy Journey. My name is Andy, I am of course your host, and I'm thrilled that you have joined us again. Today, my guest is Richie Reader. Now, Richie and I have known each other for quite a while, but you are going to enjoy our conversation because he and his wife, Reagan, co-founded Pressing On, where they are providing resources and just general help to hospitalized families, working to ensure as few people as possible go through crisis alone.

It's genuinely inspiring. In this episode, you can expect some practical advice on how to help someone you know when they are in the hospital, some very unhelpful things you can do when you get that call as well, some practical advice on how to not carry other people's trauma, some things we can be doing right now to prepare us for when crisis inevitably hits, inevitably hits, and much more.

But before I share it with you, do want to quickly ask for a few things from you. First, a reminder that my book is available, The Joy Journey. It's on Amazon. If you haven't gotten your copy, feel free to do so. If you've already gotten your copy and you've read it and you would like to leave a nice review, please do, please, and thank you.

Additionally, you have not subscribed to this podcast, if you have not followed wherever you listen to podcasts, if you're not following on social media, if you haven't checked out the YouTube channel, if you would be willing to do one or all of those things, it would mean a lot to me. I would love to share this with more people, please. And thank you. With that being said, here is my conversation with Richie Reader.

Andy Buckwalter (01:34)
All right, so to start us off, would you tell us just a little bit about pressing on? How'd that get started? Tell us a little bit of that story. Take your time. Tell us how it gets started.

Richie Reeder (01:42)
Yeah. you know, with, with starting an organization, you know, it doesn't, it's not like we had some great idea that we just dwelled on for, you know, a decade or something like that. But, you know, part of our family story is that, you know, my daughter was born with a rare genetic disease, that we almost lost her a few times within the first couple of days of life. And, you know, we were really worried. It was isolating. was hopeless. Like we had great community around us.

had good jobs, insurance, community of faith, all those things. But, you know, at the end of the day, like there were still a lot of needs and things that we experienced in the hospital were isolating. And so like when my daughter got home and was fairly stable after her liver transplant, we were just like, how can we help some of these families? And so like we just started going back to the hospital and volunteering. You know, had been a pastor in two different churches in the area and was currently on staff at the time. And we

sensed an opportunity to partner with, you know, the chaplaincy there at the hospital and the social workers and the child life staff to provide some resources for families. And it just kind of happened organically and naturally in 2019. And then, you know, throughout that year was like, wow, there's such a need here. Maybe this is something that we should formalize as an organization. So yeah, it kind of came about naturally.

It wasn't like we sat down and we're like, here's the website, pressingon.org. Okay, what are our programs? What are we gonna do? It happened out of relationship and kind of our own personal family experience.

Andy Buckwalter (03:10)
Yeah, that's so cool, man. Cause I know not everyone does that with that story. Like it'd be, it would have been easy to start with, man, this is, this is horrible. And, and, and my life is horrible and that's it. And jump on and just say, look at me. Look how horrible this has been for me. And, the fact that you guys turned it around and said, no, no, we want to, we want to come back. We want to work with people. We want to walk with other people because that sucked.

Richie Reeder (03:21)
you

Andy Buckwalter (03:33)
And,

Richie Reeder (03:34)
Yeah.

Andy Buckwalter (03:34)
and we'd to help other people that that's so cool. I'd to if we can zoom in on one part of that story. The best stories are kind of three acts right? Act one makes sense in the hospital. This is horrible. Act three, we came out, we're helping other people. That's really cool. That middle part, there's a gap in between those two of we're not we're not in it right now. We're kind of we're kind of out of it.

Richie Reeder (03:40)
Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Andy Buckwalter (03:59)
but we're not all the way out of it. We're not quite through it. We're not ready to walk with. Tell me about that middle part. Tell me about act two. Tell me about that healing process. What was that like? What helped you? What didn't help you? What do you say to people who are in that stage right now?

Richie Reeder (04:08)
Mm-hmm.

those are good questions. feel like, you know, like trauma, whether it's healthcare trauma or otherwise, like it's ongoing and it's compounding. And to be aware that our bodies feel that, our minds know that, to give ourselves some grace when we're not quite sure exactly why we're feeling what we're feeling, that there's probably a reason behind that. And, you know, the trauma of the hospital,

looking at your little one, not knowing one, if they're going to survive or, two, like, how am I going to, if they do survive, take care of this as a parent on our own out in the real world at home? Like it shakes you up, you know, as a parent and you wish that you could do anything to quote unquote, take the bullet for your child. And you feel pretty helpless in those moments.

I don't know who it was that gave me the illustration of flying on an airplane. Like when there's turbulence, you know, the, masks drop down and they tell you put your mask on first. I think one of the things that we did imperfectly at times, but we really tried to be as healthy as possible as parents physically, emotionally, know, spiritually, relationally, intellectually, like those five parts of who we are did it very imperfectly at times. There were times that I ate my feelings in hospital.

But at times, know, like just to try to take small steps forward each day was the only way that we could care for our daughter well. You know, like if I wasn't in tune with my spiritual needs, there's no way that I wasn't going to lash out at my kids. You know, if I wasn't in tune with, okay, I need to just leave the hospital for a little bit here and go for a walk, get some vitamin D, take care of myself physically. I think moving.

forward in holistic small steps each day was helpful for us. And we did that very imperfectly at time. We did not make those wise decisions every day, but we had to take care of ourselves. Part of that was emotional health, understanding how important therapy can be to the journey and finding, you know, a solid psychologist that understands how the mind and the body respond to trauma. Finding a good Christian counselor that was willing to listen.

and truly wade through the details of our family's journey. You you're never truly healed. I feel like as a hospital parent and someone that is grappling with, you know, all kinds of disease and setbacks physically, like you're never truly healed. You just kind of walk with a limp. And I think that there were days that I would just kind of push forward, not knowing what the next day would entail. But I think that we have a piece kind of walking forward with like.

Here's our story now, it's not perfect by any stretch, it's very imperfect, but small steps each day. It's not about the long-term grind, it's about daily faithfulness today, because that's all we have.

Andy Buckwalter (06:57)
So yeah, it feels like there wasn't like a, I think what we always want is, I'm better now. Today, I did it. I did it. I healed. I processed everything. I'm, I'm, and now I'm ready to go, but it sounds like it was one, one small step starting, starting very basic. And then what, what's the next thing? And then what's, what's kind of the next right thing. And that's such a, that's such a tough one when we want the, I'm healed. I did it.

Richie Reeder (07:04)
Right.

huh.

Mm-hmm.

Andy Buckwalter (07:22)
I can write it down, can make that social media post, I'm all better now. But yeah, that's not what it looks like.

Richie Reeder (07:26)
Mm-hmm.

Yeah, I think that there's, it's an ongoing process for sure, for sure. You know, caring for one another therapy. I think at first I was just tempted to, you know, we named the organization pressing on, you know, uplifting, resourcing and coaching families in crisis, specifically those affected by long-term hospitalizations. There was this kind of grit and grind that has always been a part of my life, like as an Enneagram three and an achiever.

that I think kind of seeped into the organization. And I think, yes, there is a need to take a stand and to fight for the next day when you're, you know, a parent in the hospital advocating for your child. But I think the key to pressing on long-term is really pressing in. Like I would do so many things to advocate and so many outward things that's like, yet if I'm not whole, then I can't really be of service outwardly. And so like really understanding our wounds.

There's a book called, you know, The Body Keeps the Score that really talks about how our bodies hold trauma and healing is a long process. And so like I highly recommend that to folks that to understand our wounds as part of the healing process that I don't think early on in the hospital journey, I understood my wounds and I was just kind of pressing forward and pushing onward when the key to pressing on is really pressing in into our soul.

Andy Buckwalter (08:51)
Yeah, tell me a little bit about, my wife is a hospice social worker. So one of the things that she deals with is seeing people at their worst all the time. Just constant, constant stories, a lot of trauma and you're at a very similar situation. And one of the things that I know she had to learn and I'm sure you've worked on as well is like, what are some things you're doing to offload?

that trauma? What are some things you're doing to not bring that home? When you come in through the door, you're not bringing someone else's trauma in to see your girls? what is that's a hard one. It's difficult to be inundated with it surrounded by it even triggered by it sometimes. What are some things that you've learned? are some practices you have to kind of offload that and not be carrying someone else's trauma with you?

Richie Reeder (09:13)
Mm-hmm.

Yeah. No, that's a good question. mean, like I'm naturally like an outgoing, enthusiastic person that is constantly, you know, I love to have conversations with folks. love to get to the meaningful things of life and have purposeful conversations. And if I'm not careful, like I can spend so much time around people in the good and the bad situations of life in our noisy world that I don't take.

the time that I need to be in silence and solitude. And earlier in my adult life, like, you know, as a pastor, like I was going into scripture daily. and many times it felt not just like a checklist, but what can I accomplish today? Like, how much can I read? How much can I journal? How much can I fill in the blank? And I think as I've grown, like that need for silence and solitude is paramount.

where I close my eyes, I surrender my will and my emotions and my actions and my deeds, and really like spending some contemplative time in prayer, like liturgical practices that are ancient, contemplative practices like prayer and meditation. I daily use the Leptio 365 app that has been so helpful for me slowing down.

Because in our noisy world that is instantaneous and go, go, go, my personality paired with that, I mean, it's just a recipe for disaster because even though I'm doing good things and do, do, do, do, do, like I am tempted to just do all of those things when really as a human, need to be, I'm a human being, not a human doing. And so like that has been really helpful for me, contemplative practice, silence and solitude.

Even just having a practice of pulling into the driveway and just sitting for a few minutes and just kind of like deep breathing. Okay. I release the cares of the day and then I'm to go in, you know, and serve my family and love my family and be present to them. Because if I, if I don't take those times of midday prayer or silence and solitude in the morning and the evening, I just go right to the next thing in that noisy world makes me a pretty noisy person.

Andy Buckwalter (11:44)
Yeah, no, I think that's one that yeah, we're not all necessarily having encountering other people's big T trauma every day, but also, like, that's the practice I think everyone needs to get we don't realize how much we're carrying of other people's stuff. I think that's, I think it's kind of one of the downfalls of social media where it's great. It's great to stay in touch with people. It's even great for raising awareness. It's great for raising funds, everything. But also, we're encountering

Richie Reeder (11:59)
Mm-hmm.

Andy Buckwalter (12:11)
other people's trauma all the time around the world, natural disasters, violence, whatever it is like, and I don't always realize that I'm still carrying that that I'm carrying someone. I'm carrying someone else's trauma with me and like, yeah, those practices of just stopping everything slowing down. I love that the lectio 365 as well, like, just, I need that I need to stop I need to put down

Richie Reeder (12:20)
Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Andy Buckwalter (12:36)
whatever I'm carrying and make sure that I'm remembering not to pick it back up. Because otherwise, otherwise, yeah, we find ourselves just carrying things.

Richie Reeder (12:41)
Right.

Well, and I think like even before we jumped on to record this podcast, like, you know, here's a good example. Like I, you know, printed out, you know, some of your, your questions and started jotting some answers. And then like after a few of them, I was like, if I'm going to be fully present, the best thing that I can do right now is just practice some prayer and meditation for five minutes and be present to myself and ask that God would allow me to speak out of my true self.

because sometimes I think, and maybe this is specific to Enneagrams 3, but like, we're so concerned and motivated by achievement and appearance and things like that, that if we're not careful, like we drift towards almost a facade of how will people think about us and how can we, you know, bring our best self to the world when the reality is, we minister out of who we are. Like we live a whole life out of the deep crevices of our heart.

And if that's not right, then we're really doing us and everybody that we spend time with a disservice by not allowing, you know, ourselves to go inward. so, you know, it may sound cheesy, but like I can be well prepared for something or I can be a whole person and walk into that situation. And that's actually what makes me even more present and more prepared. If that makes sense.

Andy Buckwalter (14:05)
does. That's I know that's particularly tricky for the Enneagram three who just wants to just just wants to do it just wants to achieve. And I get that I got those listening I'm Enneagram eight. So we end up doing a lot of the same things for different reasons. But for a lot of the same things. But yeah, man, I appreciate that. I want to transition us a little bit to we got a call a year or two ago, some friends they were in the hospital.

Richie Reeder (14:09)
Hahaha

Mm-hmm. Sure.

Andy Buckwalter (14:30)
actually their son was in the hospital. It was it was scary. They were rushed up to Hopkins. It was it was tough. And we so we got the text. Hey, we're in the hospital. And we jumped into our group text with our other friends. We're just like, Hey, man, hey, guys, what are we? What are we going to do? And we said, we don't know. So you who is seeing this seeing this often we get that text.

Richie Reeder (14:30)
Mm-hmm.

Andy Buckwalter (14:50)
What are some practical things we can actually do? What are some things people, they're in the hospital, they're scared, they're nervous, they got all this going on. What are some, like, what can we actually do? What helps?

Richie Reeder (15:00)
Yeah, no, that's really good. I think that the basis for, well, I think the basis for all good leadership, but I think the basis for good friendship too is just, you know, self-awareness. You know, the more that we understand ourself and our relationship to the person that's going through the trauma, the better that we can help. There's a graphic if somebody just Googles care circle, you know, there's kind of a theme called the care circle that

If you picture concentric circles, it's almost like a dartboard. Like the person going through the trauma is right in the center of the board. And then, you know, whether it's a parent or guardian or caregiver or somebody who is intricately related to them, they're that first circle out from that. And then you have neighbors and maybe a community of faith and friends, and then you've got friends of the family and people that know of the family, but they're far off. You can kind of picture like where you're at in that care circle.

and the phrase is, you know, provide care in and then allow stress and anxiety to go outward. And so it's always helpful to care in and then kind of exhale the stress of the situation outward. If you're a grandparent, it's not helpful to go to your kid who's, you know, taking care of their kid at the hospital and just kind of unload how you feel about the situation.

It's best to maybe go to one of your friends. so like ways that people can care in are all different. would say to have the self-awareness to be like, am I in this person's inner circle? Do we interact and care for one another on, you know, weekly or at least monthly basis? And if it's been three or four months since you've heard from that person, maybe sending a gas card or a gift card or just a simple text, Hey, just

wanted to let you guys know that I'm praying for you in this situation is the most helpful. But you'd be amazed the people that when you're in a situation of trauma, whether that's healthcare or otherwise, be prepared, because everybody's in a different stage of their emotional and spiritual and life journey. Be prepared for some people that you think are going to show up in big ways for you to be absent and be prepared for people that you feel like

probably are just on the fringes of your life to show up in big ways because maybe they've been through something similar and they just get it. So always be open to accepting that care and that compassion and that help from others that are on like the fringes. But if you're looking to care for somebody in an intentional way, like please like show up for them and let them know that you're there to serve.

And this is probably another question that we would dive into, but I think one of the phrases that we hear a lot, but it's probably one of the most unhelpful things that people can do is, you you show up, you let them know you care and then, just let us know what you need. Hey, just let us know what you need. And that, that sounds great. You, you, it's almost like we're unloading the burden from ourselves. Like, Hey, I let them know that I'm here for them. But the reality is, is when you're going through something that is an emergency, something that is

Urgent health care something that is Just the hardest time of your life You're unaware of what your needs are like as a parent or guardian like you forget to eat you forget to let your work know about certain things like You forget to notify your family like because it's trauma and it's emergent and it's happening like in real time You honestly don't know what you need. And so if you're self-aware enough to be like I'm on this inner the inner

Andy Buckwalter (18:14)
Yeah.

Richie Reeder (18:34)
you know, circle of this person, this family to actually kind of give gentle suggestions. Hey, would it be helpful if I took care of your lawn care this week? Hey, would it be helpful if I went and shoveled your driveway? Hey, I have this box of non-perishable food that I'd like to bring it by the hospital and sit it at the front desk if that would be helpful to you. It's almost like I've seen a lot of success in families' lives and caregivers in almost providing a menu of

here's some things that I'd love to do for you, would this be helpful? And to give them the opportunity to say, I haven't thought about restocking the fridge at home for the other siblings who are not in the hospital. Yeah, grocery run right now would be awesome. So yeah, that is probably the long-winded answer, but you know, care in and unload stress and anxiety out with that care circle and being willing to almost provide some ideas of

Hey, I'd love to help in this way. Would that be helpful? Rather than just, hey, just let me know what you need. I'm here for you. That sounds great, but it's actually unhelpful.

Andy Buckwalter (19:34)
Yeah, no, I love that the would this be helpful? Because that's, yeah, it's not just showing up with a tray of enchiladas. And maybe this isn't helpful. This is just a mess that I've nowhere to put this. Yeah, and it but it's also not just doing nothing. Yeah, kind of that that offering of hey, here's something I would be willing to do. I want to help and here is turn it into a yes or no. Like, yeah, a lot less emotional mental energy goes into it. That's Yeah, that's the phrase would this be helpful?

Richie Reeder (19:44)
Hahaha

Right.

And that's where that self-awareness piece comes in because not only am I aware of my relationship with that person, because if they haven't heard from me in six months, a lot of times it's just I'm triggered by something I see on social media and I want to do something. But really that's an inner anxiety that I have that you're unloading on the person that's already in a traumatic situation that for us to be self-aware enough to be like, okay, how do I know this person?

And a lot of times people, if they're not self-aware, they end up trying to love somebody the way that they would best feel love. And I'll put my hand up and be like, yep, I've done that in my marriage. I've done that in lots of different relationships. But to be self-aware enough to be like, will this person feel cared for and loved by this? Or is this just something I like doing or I would want somebody to do for me? And there's a difference, you know? And so like maybe we like Angelatas and...

You know, if you were in the hospital, maybe bringing you an enchiladas would be the best thing I could do for you. But a lot of times we read our own needs and desires into other people's lives and it's just different for everybody.

Andy Buckwalter (21:09)
Yeah, that's it. Yeah, what's the motivation? Is this something, yeah, is this for me? Like, will I feel better having done it or will they feel better having done it? And then also, yeah, and then also, is that something I would want or is that something they would want? Yeah, that's a funny, we were talking a little bit beforehand. One of the things my wife tells me often is there's this...

Richie Reeder (21:16)
Mm-hmm.

Andy Buckwalter (21:31)
lovely golden rule, treat other people the way you want to be treated. She often tells me you should not treat people the way you want to be treated. Because that Enneagram eight don't treat people the way you want to be treated. Always ask me how people want to be treated. But yeah, that's a that's just a good. That's that's a good one. Is that what I would want in the hospital? Or is that what's needed right now? And am I the person that that should do this? Or? Yeah, is that is that overstepping? Is that more overwhelming? Is that something that they're going to have to do now?

Richie Reeder (21:38)
Hahaha!

huh.

you

Andy Buckwalter (21:59)
That's yeah, that's that's brilliant.

Richie Reeder (22:01)
And I mean,

there's been people that are on the fringes of life that show up at the hospital because they feel like they need to do something when it's simply not helpful for the mom or the dad or the caregiver or whoever's there to really see them, right? There's more self-serving, but I've never met a parent in the hospital that somebody sent them a gift card through email to Grubhub or DoorDash or actually get like a nice home-cooked meal or a gas card.

I've never met anybody that received some help financially while they're going through a health care crisis that was like, can you believe that person? Like that's always welcome. And so like, if you feel like you're on the fringes of that person's life, it's one extra person to communicate with or, you know, share emotion with, maybe just send something helpful through email that you're not even expecting a response or anything like that.

Andy Buckwalter (22:37)
Enjoy.

Richie Reeder (22:52)
And then if you're in those inner circles that you're in regular communion with that person and they feel like they can bring their full self to you during that crisis, well then yeah, show up for them. But that self-awareness piece is so key so that you understand where the friendship is at when it's heading into crisis.

Andy Buckwalter (23:06)
So all of that, all of that's fantastic. It sounds like you can't go wrong with an Uber Eats card. that's like, just in general, just in life, you know, just doesn't matter. People don't have to be in crisis. You can send an Uber Eats card. They'll love that. Yeah. It doesn't matter. It's just, you can't go wrong with that. But on the, on the crisis part, nobody's ever prepared for crisis. Yeah. You just, you can't, you do, you do your best, but you just, you just can't. With that being said, some people rise to the occasion.

Richie Reeder (23:12)
Yeah.

Yeah.

Right.

Mm-mm.

Andy Buckwalter (23:33)
Some people handle it better. Some people crumble and all of that's all of that's acceptable. But what are you seeing for the people who handle it best for the people who do rise to the occasion? The ones who are kind of having that joy that doesn't make any sense. That strength that doesn't make any sense. What are what are you what are some characteristics you're seeing from them? What are some practices they already have in place? What are some things we can take from that that we can are that we can start practicing ahead of time?

Richie Reeder (23:33)
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Andy Buckwalter (24:01)
for when crisis shows up. What are you seeing in these people?

Richie Reeder (24:05)
Mm-hmm.

I think bottom line, they recognize that we are holistic individuals, that as human beings, have needs. And I think Peter Scazzaro does a great job, EmotionallyHealthy.org of kind of defining the five parts of who we are, physical, emotional, spiritual, relational, intellectual. And recognizing that the key to persevering through a crisis

is not only spiritual, slap a Bible verse on it, quote it, say I trust God and move on. It's not only physical, like, hey, I worked out this morning before I came into the hospital. It's not only emotional, like, hey, I started therapy and I'm processing. It's small steps in all of those things. It's relational, like, who can I connect with that at least has been through something similar that will help me feel seen and valued in the midst of this? Not solving.

or fixing things for me. But, then intellectual, like how can I grow in my understanding of maybe my child's disease or ask better questions to the doctors? There's small steps I think that we can get overwhelmed if we feel we gotta grow in all five of those all the time, every hour. But just being able to pick one of those things. I walked the families through in the hospital, like how can I grow physically today? Just one thing, one little thing that I can practice.

And it might be like giving yourself some grace to leave your child's bedside. Go outside, take a walk around the block, deep breathing, get some vitamin D, come back in 20 minutes later. You're prioritizing your physical health, clearing your mind a little bit so that you can come back more present to the situation. I think that the ones that persevere well understand that they're holistic people. I had a mom just tell me in the hospital last week, like, I feel really guilty for going home and spending the night.

taking a shower and coming back the next day. And a lot of these families aren't just in for an emergency room trip for a day or two or three, and then their child's on a new med in their home. There's a lot of frequent flyers that I think our longest hospitalization ourselves was like two months, maybe a little bit longer. But I've met families that have been in the hospital for seven, eight, nine months, that like at some point in time, you have to prioritize your own wellbeing so that you can care for the one.

that you're tasked with being the caregiver for. And so I think those that persevere well recognize that they're holistic people, that we have different parts of who we are, that they're willing to take care of themselves rather than just spending themselves and pouring out until the cup is empty. I use that illustration a lot. Like there's just nothing to pour out of an empty cup. and you know, sometimes there's circumstances that are out of your control that, you know, sometimes things are emergent near at the hospital.

and you're unshowered and you haven't slept in three days. Like that happens. To give yourself some grace in those situations. I think for them to practice perseverance one small step at a time, recognizing that all five of those parts are helpful, giving yourself some grace in the moment, like that's always beneficial. You're never gonna do it perfectly. It's gonna be an imperfect journey.

Hospital life is a roller coaster. There's ups and there's downs and you just got to roll it ride that roller coaster and aim for daily perseverance and make it to the next day. Win the day make it to the next day. Families that are able to do that, they persevere well and those that have a great community around them, whether that's neighbors, a community of faith, family in the area, it makes a big difference. You know, for those that have

a great community around them so that, you know, aunt or uncle can care for the sibling that's at home that's not in the hospital. Or, you know, grandma or grandpa can take some time to spend at the house and make sure that things are kept up while mom and dad are in the hospital. Like, there's a lot of parents that have to choose between, I at my parent, my child's bedside or do I go to work?

And that's such a hard choice. Never judge parents on what they choose there because either one you're providing. But those that have people around them that can help fill those gaps, I mean, they tend to persevere well.

Andy Buckwalter (28:21)
Yeah, that's a kind of what I'm hearing is grace first, always grace first, just yeah, there's no perfect way to do this. The best you can do is the best thing to do. that's, yeah. But then also I feel like I'm hearing a bit of kind of having habits in place already in these five areas of.

Richie Reeder (28:26)
Right. Yep.

Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Andy Buckwalter (28:41)
Maybe, yeah, if you find yourself in a situation, it doesn't have to be that your kid's in the hospital. could just be, you lost your job, you broke your leg, whatever it is. Like these five areas are going to show up and like having habits in place. maybe, ideally the first time you start working out isn't when you find yourself in a situation. It's not a habit. The first time you are trying to pray, the first time you're listening for the voice of God, you have a lot of other things that you're hearing right now. And I think it sounds like having

habits in place already and practicing these things not to prepare for the worst case scenario, but also just to just because these are the things we need in our life in our life daily as well.

Richie Reeder (29:10)
Mm-hmm.

.

Yeah, yeah. I mean, to ask ourselves that question every week, like I'm trying to think intellectually, like, what did I learn that was new this week and how am I dwelling on that throughout the day and kind of chewing on that just to be a better informed human being about life, like relationally, like, who did I connect with this week? Who did I have coffee with or share lunch, not for the purpose of necessarily an end goal, but just to do life with and share life with, you know, how have I experienced solitude,

and quiet, you know, so that I can pray and meditate this week spiritually. You know, have I leaned into what emotions am I feeling and have I processed them, you know, with anyone, whether that's a counselor or therapist or a close trusted friend emotionally. And then what have I done to better my body this week? You know, whether that's nutrition or exercise or sleep. I mean, that's a big thing that gets omitted.

You know, like whether we're in the hospital or not, we can be asking ourselves those five holistic questions each week. And if we're paying attention and even just journaling, just a little bit of how am I progressing in these things every week, that growth compounds over times. I've done it very imperfectly throughout some of the seasons of my life, but I've noticed that if those five things are present each week, that we're just striving to take small steps in all five of those when we're out of the hospital, that makes a big difference for families that.

when they are in the hospital continue some of that.

Andy Buckwalter (30:43)
Yeah, yeah, that's such a simple idea of just, how am I doing in these areas every week? Just, yeah, am I improving? Because yeah, again, you don't want to necessarily have to start when things are not going great. Yeah, that's awesome, As I'm looking over some of your material, one of the ones I saw that came up was, is continual celebration or something about that. Tell me about the importance of celebrating small victories.

Richie Reeder (31:04)
Yeah.

Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Andy Buckwalter (31:07)
The whole thing is heavy. There's a lot going

on. Obviously, we celebrate the big victories. We make the big social media posts, we throw the party. We celebrate the big victories. Tell me about the importance of small victories, little celebrations along the

Richie Reeder (31:14)
Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm. Well, I think one of the things that I've come to learn in recent years, and I think you talk about this in the book, but the fact that gratitude and appreciation can't coexist with, what word am I looking for? You can't be anxious and grateful at the same time. Like they're definitely like real emotions. But I think celebrating the small wins is almost kind of like an antidote to

Andy Buckwalter (31:42)
Yeah.

Richie Reeder (31:51)
constant chronic anxiety, that it's not a facade or a silver lining of, know, well, let's celebrate this and pretend that all this other pain doesn't exist. No, it's still there. But how do we celebrate intentionally the small wins along the way? You know, just last night I was sitting with a family in the cafeteria at Children's Hospital and, you know, their one-year-old who's awaiting a heart transplant was able to sit there at the table with them.

And it, you know, it might sound like we're just trying to look at it through rose colored glasses or find a silver lining, but like, there's a lot of kids that aren't able to leave their bedside, you know, at Children's Hospital. There's a lot of kids who are constantly hooked up to an IV drip or medications that maybe they can take the IV pole and walk around at times in the hospital. But I remember when we were there with my daughter, like we were overjoyed the days that we could actually just like, she could leave her room.

There's a lot of kids in isolation there. And so, you know, just a simple like, hey, I'm so grateful for you guys that you can just share a meal here in the cafeteria. I know you want to go home. This has been a long road, but like really, really just excited just to see your little guy smiling outside of his room. And that might sound like, you know, the dumbest comment in the world and ignoring all of the other hard things that are happening, but like it makes a difference. You know, when we were in the hospital, like just to have a gratitude journal of

Really thankful for what this nurse said to me today. Really thankful for how this doctor communicated something that my brain can't really comprehend because he's 10 times smarter than me. Really thankful for just being able to look outside and see the sunshine. There's little things that I think that we can be grateful for each day and celebrate little wins along the way. And with physical things in the hospital that you can legitimately see, you can look at an IV poll and see

six to eight medicines and IVs being hung. And then two or three days later, hey, there's only four of them. And it's almost like a physical reminder, like, hey, let's celebrate that she's, when my daughter came home from the hospital, the medicines that she were on, think it was like 21 doses. It wasn't just one page, it went on to the back of the second page. And we say with transplant families a lot, like, yeah, you remember when all the medications couldn't even be listed on one page?

Andy Buckwalter (34:05)
See ya soon.

Richie Reeder (34:12)
And so like, even though people look at some of our kids with like, wow, they have this ongoing disease and you got to give meds several times a day. it's like, well, yeah, but look at this. We only have to give dose meds three times today. Or, you know, my child's only on, you know, five or six medications right now. Like it really is all perspective, but when you can celebrate those small wins, it really gives you a long-term outlook on kind of like, Hey, we're not where we were.

We're not where we want to be, but let's celebrate this today because generating that gratitude in the midst of a hard time, I mean, psychologically, it's proven to lessen anxiety and produce calm. So.

Andy Buckwalter (34:52)
Yeah, as simple as it sounds, I often think about celebrating small things as practice. if you celebrating small joy moments is kind of practice for big joy moments because there even when big joy happens, there will be a reason to not celebrate if you want to find it.

Richie Reeder (34:58)
Mm-hmm.

Andy Buckwalter (35:10)
If you want to look for it, can find a trouble. I'm not, yeah, again, not suggesting, we just ignore the trouble. Just, everything's fine if you just narrow your vision and just pretend everything's gonna be fine and just live, laugh, love your whole way through life. no, but also like missing out on those small joy moments. They're there. Like, and if we...

If we decide to ignore them, we can be as unhappy as we want. And again, not to diminish anyone's situation, but those little moments, yeah, they matter. It's finding that gratitude even in tough situations. Yeah, man.

Richie Reeder (35:46)
When I think it, it really comes down to mindset. think like we have a choice, like whether we think we do or not. And I will be the first to raise my hand to say I have allowed my emotions to just sink me into depression. And I've turned inward at times in my journey. but we do have a choice for how we're going to view things. And we have that, I mean, you talk about it in your book, you know, like we, we can choose joy and you know, that, that mantra of celebrate everything that you can like,

We had to kind of learn that the hard way in our lives. Like when we first moved to Pittsburgh 17 years ago, my wife was applying for jobs. There was this, you know, special education facilitator position that she really wanted that she was applying for. She interviewed, she felt like it went well. She got good feedback. And so we knew the day that she was going to like receive like word. And I had already planned date night, cheesecake factory. We're going to go celebrate. And I still remember when she called me up and she was just in tears. And she's like, I didn't get the position.

And it was in that moment that she thought, well, we're just not going to go out to eat. We're not going to go to Cheesecake Factory. We're not going to go on date night tonight. Cause I didn't get it. And I was like, we're still going. We're going to celebrate like how you grew in this interview process and who knows what's going to happen in the future. But I'm just so proud of you for how you pursued this and we can still celebrate, you know, even though you didn't get the position and wouldn't, know, like we go out and we have an amazing night and it's kind of like we.

heal through that process, it's a random call the next week. And it doesn't always happen like this, but it gets a random call the next week that's like, Hey, another physician popped up and you're it. And it's just like, what if we would've turned inward and just been, you know, wallowed in self-pity? I don't know what it is for anybody that's listening. Like you might've made the JV team instead of the varsity team. Like you may have gotten some healing, but you're not fully healed. Like we can celebrate like every small little journey. There's always something that we learned that we grew in.

We're better for the process. so like to choose to celebrate along the way, like it's a choice, but I think that we're better for it if we do.

Andy Buckwalter (37:52)
Yeah.

Yeah, that's such a, that's such a good example too, because not glad that it that it worked out. But also there was like, there was a week gap in between the week long gap of yeah, that that could have been anything you wanted it to be. And that would have been, yeah, that just would have been time spent negatively. It just Yeah, but choosing to say no, this is there is some good in here. There is something to be grateful for here and

Richie Reeder (38:04)
Mm-hmm.

Andy Buckwalter (38:15)
Yeah, some situations that's really hard to do, but it is at the end of the day, choice. It is like we can, we can find something to celebrate. We can find something to be grateful for and it's not, it's not going to just happen. I think that's one of the things I had to really learn myself is that like a, a joyful, happy, fulfilled life doesn't just happen. It's not like the people that are happiest in our lives are the ones that have just had no difficulty in any way. In fact, it's often the opposite and that yeah, that

making those small choices again and again. That's what compounds, that's what eventually leads to, well, yeah, we could have had a terrible week, but we had a pretty good week. And then something good happened, or, and then something bad happened. Either way, we had a pretty good week during that week. so, yeah, man.

Richie Reeder (38:44)
Mm-hmm.

well,

I resonate with what you're saying and like, I'll be the last person to like offer cliche cheesy phrases. But there are some that, you know, I'll be the first to admit I'm a recovering Baptist. And so there's a lot of alliteration and like the way that I think and stuff like that. But we say all the time to families in the hospital, like there's purpose in your pain. Every obstacle is an opportunity. And while those, you know,

Andy Buckwalter (39:03)
you

Richie Reeder (39:22)
kind of memorable phrases with the alliteration like may sound cheesy, like there's so much truth in that. That's like if you choose to get on board with, you know, viewing like your pain as an opportunity to grow. Like you just said, it's the people that have been through something that have the greatest perspective. And you know, that's what we've experienced and that's how we wanna love and lead other families.

Andy Buckwalter (39:45)
We've covered a lot of ground, but I do want to ask a big question, which is, I'm sure there's been so many, but if there was a life lesson you've learned from spending all this time with families, from doing all of this, from going through it, from growing yourself, if there was a lesson that you've learned that you feel like everyone should learn this one and you could share it, what would one of those be?

Richie Reeder (40:09)
Good question.

learned to

pause and not rush right to an answer.

I really feel like being present is a gift. Being your true self is the most freeing thing that you can do. In life when things seem to be going good, and especially in trauma, I think that we're tempted to cover things up.

make them look good, put on a facade, say that things are fine.

I've learned that there's absolutely nothing wrong. In fact, it's good to say this is really hard. This is isolating. This sucks. I'm so done with this. All of those true emotions to express them to people that love you and care for you.

That is a solid place to be because it's an honest place to be. And I look at the times in my life where I felt most isolated is probably when I wasn't being honest with myself, honest with others, about my feelings, about my hurts, about my pain.

And so, yeah, if there was one thing that's like, I've grown very imperfectly in this and some seasons have been awesome growth and other seasons have been really tragic. Like we minister out of who we are. Who is that true self? Understanding what facades were tempted to put up, you know, to get along with other people, whether in good times or bad and allowing those to fade away so that

the true human being that was created can come alive for the flourishing of those around them. That's what we need. We need more vulnerability and realness than honesty in our own personal lives because everything true and good and beautiful flows out of that.

Andy Buckwalter (42:00)
No, I like that because I think I think the most trouble I've gotten myself into just emotionally, relationally, any of it is anytime I've had this idea of myself I'm putting out there that isn't true. Especially, especially when it's in real life is but that's one thing to do that on social media. That's a don't encourage that either. But it's another when I was doing it with my wife and just saying, no, no, everything.

everything's good. Everything's fine. I've got this. And I'm not in pain. And I'm and nothing's wrong and I can handle this on my own. And that that draw to isolation is Yeah, I think that's she's Yeah, that's one. Certainly people Yeah, I certainly need to learn that one myself. Yeah.

Richie Reeder (42:42)
Well, I think many times like we feel like we need to put out this best version of ourselves all the time when we really do need to be vulnerable and real. Like there needs to be, you know, at least one or two people that know everything about us. There needs to be a few people that we can always bring our true self. Like there's a principle of wise vulnerability. You don't just walk around, you know, sharing, you know, all of the terrible things that are going on with every single person. but at the same

point in time, like there need to be those few people that you can fully be yourself, that they know the ups and downs, the best things about you, the worst things about you, that there is freedom and comfort in that and you can process a lot of your grief through that. And so that's why the community piece and the relationship piece, whether that's your partner or spouse, whether that's a close friend, whether that's somebody that's in your family, it's really important to have those people hold on to those people. Life is not forever.

you know, that to cherish those, those people each and every day is a beautiful gift because, know, we're not guaranteed tomorrow. So.

Andy Buckwalter (43:46)
Yeah, and it's interesting because that's what's best for us, but it's also best for the people around us as well. Like I know the people who have poured into me the most have been authentic, have been real. You can tell when you're sitting across from someone and it's not real for them. You can memorize an answer and you can know the correct thing to say, but if my therapist is doing that, I'm out.

Richie Reeder (43:53)
Mm-hmm.

Hmm.

Andy Buckwalter (44:10)
Like it has to be the real thing for the people around us and it's also, yeah, and also for us. Yeah, man, that's.

Richie Reeder (44:19)
Mm-hmm.

Andy Buckwalter (44:19)
Hmm. Yeah. I want to, I want to do one more and, uh, yeah, yeah. It's a, I want to ask this someone listening right now is hearing your story and saying, man, that, that is something that excites me. That that's something I would like to get involved with. That's something I would like to start where I am. I'd like to, but, but there's a lot, there's a lot of questions. There's a lot of, don't even know where to park. What's a, uh, what's a, what's a baby step? What's a, what's a first.

Richie Reeder (44:23)
Yeah, take your time. I'm going.

Andy Buckwalter (44:49)
just get through the door. I'm feeling like I would love to help people that are in this situation, walking with people in crisis, making sure they're not doing it alone. What's a first step? What's an easy first way to get started here?

Richie Reeder (45:00)
Well, I think, know, intellectually, emotionally, like I said before, like just being present and having that self-awareness to recognize where you're at. You know, we're, we're fooling ourselves if we don't through, if we don't feel like we've been through some stuff ourselves. I say all the time, like regarding the trials and troubles of life, like you're, you either just came out of something really tough or you're in the midst of something hard.

or neither of those apply, you're about to enter into something really difficult. So just kind of understand what your emotional bandwidth is in life and evaluate like, okay, where am I, you know, at in this, you know, I think of, you know, Monty Python, it's just standing there, you know, without an arm, like sometimes we're unaware of our wounds. That's just like, we're trying to do things. It's like, maybe we should actually bandage this up first before we do the next thing. So to just.

Having the self-awareness to recognize where we're at in our journey of trauma and stuff like that is the first step and be self-aware and present to the people around us. And then, you know, if we get to a place where we're like, yeah, I really want to serve and help, one, you know, just getting to a place of relationship with them where you can meet some tangible needs. And I think meeting those tangible needs leads to a place of being there for them and meeting intangible needs.

we need to start, you know, with meeting some things on the surface level and then going deeper. And, know, our website at pressing on.org has some of those tangible needs. Like I tell families all the time, we don't need to pack the hospital care package for you, but you can take some of the ideas from our website and our resources to pack them yourself and deliver them yourself to a friend in need.

You know, just to be attuned to the needs of others around you, like it's almost like a whole new world opens up when you start to pay attention to the needs around us. But in order to do that well, we need to be whole people ourselves and meeting some of those needs ourselves. but yeah, I mean, to take small steps, to be present to your friends in conversation and engage with them, not just during the ups and celebrate the wins, but during the lows and the downs.

And you can always do that, you know, financially, like it's sub, know, an Uber Eats or, you know, a gas card. There's things too that are on our website that if you know that someone is entering into a surgery or a hospitalization, like we have some packing lists, you know, of what to pack for the hospital, what to pack if you're staying at the Ronald McDonald House, what to pack maybe as an emergency bag for an emergency room trip.

And then also too, think like we make sense of our lives through stories. And one of the things that we've tried to do is we, we serve a lot of families that are on the journey of transplant. They're either listed for an organ, they're currently in the hospital receiving it, or they're, you know, taking care of themselves at home with lots of followups and medicine and doctor's appointments and blood draw. And so like we've got, uh, you know, a podcast that probably over half the families that are interviewed.

are sharing their story of what transplant has been like for them. And so like to find whatever community that is, you know, I think is really helpful. maybe it's, you know, pediatric disease or pediatric cancer, or, you know, maybe it's, you know, grief share through really battling through mental health of anxiety and depression, like to find those groups, of where you can care for one another. Well, like it's just invaluable.

So those are just a couple of ideas and small steps that be attuned to yourself as a human being because you can really only pour out of a cup that has something in it. You can't pour out of an empty cup. So take care of yourself and then you'll be able to take care of others.

Andy Buckwalter (48:48)
First of all, I'm glad Monty Python came up as I was writing out these questions. I was thinking we're gonna need some comic relief at some point and I don't know how to get there. So I'm glad that happened. Also, I appreciate you, man. I appreciate everything you're doing. Before we get out of here, how do people contact you? How do they see your stuff?

Richie Reeder (48:51)
Hahaha!

Yeah. So pressing on.org is, know, our organization where we serve hospitalized families, all of our podcasts and programming and different things that we do. people can make requests or refer families for different programs that we run, on social media, the typical Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, I guess it's called X now. you know, all of that stuff, you know, pressing on PGH on most of the socials to follow the organization. Richie Reeder just.

the way it's spelled, you know, to find me. I'm just always happy to be a resource for anybody that's going through, you know, a tough time, especially those that are on a hospitalization journey. Like we've been there, we're still on that journey and just want to be a resource and help however we can.

Andy Buckwalter (49:50)
It's awesome, man. Well, hey, thanks so much. Thanks for talking with us today.

Richie Reeder (49:54)
Absolutely, absolutely appreciate you Andy.

Andy Buckwalter (49:56)
Alright buddy.

Andy Buckwalter (49:59)
Alright guys, there you have it. I hope that was as enjoyable for you as it was for me. Be sure to check out everything Richie is doing. Give him a follow on YouTube, Instagram, everywhere. Support that ministry that they have going on. You can hear that Richie is someone who is doing what he's supposed to be doing. And of course, we always want to support that. Thanks so much pal for being on here and talking with me today. It means a lot to me. Sadly, however, that brings us to the conclusion of this episode of The Joy Journey.

One more time, will ask if you have not to follow, to subscribe, leave a thumbs up, leave a nice review. It's free to do. It helps the podcast and it makes me happy. Until next time, it's a magical world. Let's go explore.